Without You, I Am Nothing
by Hard Kandi
Summary: A moment of passion changes everything for Alec & Max
1. Alec's Story

Summary: A moment of passion changes everything for Max and Alec.

Disclaimer: I own them in my dreams.

Without You, I Am Nothing Alec's POV 

The world shift's, I feel it deep within me, I go from asleep, to awake, to alert within a heartbeat.

I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the sensations caused by the soft warm body I hold wrapped in my arms. I feel our hearts beat in unison, as one.

I inhale deeply, embracing the mixture of scents that attack me. The after scents of our passion, mixed with honey and vanilla.

Slowly I open my eyes, connecting with eyes so deep; I am lost in them, drowning. Her full lips curve upwards, smiling at me. 

I watch as her chocolate coloured eyes cloud over, confusion dancing within them, her lips loose their curve, and lines mar the previously smooth skin of her forehead. 

Her body shrinks back, away from mine.

Then she speaks, but not to me, "Oh God no, what the hell have I done". Her beautiful face wrinkles as she looks at me, disgust written all over it. 

.

I know then that I have lost. 

I watch as she climbs out of the bed, picking up her clothes discarded so hastily in our passion of last night. 

Tears fall freely, silently down her flushed cheeks as she dresses quickly, her shirt is on inside out, but she doesn't notice, to busy trying to escape. 

The silence in the room is deafening.

She walks towards the door, "don't go, not like this, last night", she cut's me dead, "last night was a mistake, it should never have happened, it meant….. Nothing". Her voice is harsh.

The door slams, leaving me in an empty room alone and broken.

" I love you…Max".

I am ignored

I am bypassed

I am overlooked

Without you

I am nothing


	2. Max's Story

Summary: A moment of passion changes everything for Max and Alec.

Disclaimer: I own them in my dreams.

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**Without You, I Am Nothing**

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Max's POV 

I wake up in his arms, feeling his soft, hard flesh pressing against me. His arms enveloping me, wrapping me in his strength.

I watch him as he opens his eyes, his soulful green eyes connect with mine. For a brief moment I feel free, free and happy?. Because of him, and I smile up at him.

Then reality hit's me like an anvil. What the hell am I doing, this is wrong, this is….  Alec. The guy who'd been a thorn in my side, since he'd come into my cell at Manticore and announced he was my breeding partner. 

The person responsible for me and Logan, the man I loved…. Love, not being able to touch. Confusion and shame overwhelm me.

I pull away from him, "oh God no, what the hell have I done", his eyes find mine, fear and confusion war within them, climbing from the bed, I dress quickly, not looking at him, wanting, no needing to be as far away from him as possible.

I can feel the tears slipping from my eyes, running down my face as I pull on my boots. 

I turn and walk towards the door, praying to a God I don't believe in to let me get out of here before he can say anything. I almost make it, when he speaks, "don't go, not like this, last night", I don't wait to hear the rest, "last night was a mistake, it should never have happened, it meant…. Nothing". 

Do I believe the words I speak, I don't know, all I know is that I'm scared, scared of what happened and scared of what could happen next. 

I just wanted him to shut up, and he did. I leave slamming the door behind me, and then I am running, running away, like I always do.

It's what I do best.

I am feared

I am scared

I am mocked

Without you

I am nothing


	3. Alecs Story

Summary: A moment of passion changes everything for Max and Alec.

Disclaimer: I own them in my dreams.

A/N: To those who reviewed the last 2 chapters Thank you so much, you guys rock. I love feedback.) This chapter is for you. Hope you like it.

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**Without You, I Am Nothing**

Alec's Story 

I shut my locker at Jam Pony, for what will be the last time and walk out of the building not bothering to look back. What would be the point, there's nothing there for me, not anymore.

I find myself walking, no destination in mind, just walking. I am aware of people around me, normal people, allowed to have normal lives. I am not a part of them, and if I am honest with myself will never be allowed to be part of them.

My feet guide me in a familiar direction & I find myself at Josh's house.

It's been 3 days, which equates to 24 hours or 1440 minutes or 86,400 seconds, it doesn't sound like much. Not in the big scheme of things, but to me it's a lifetime.

I haven't seen Max since that day she walked out of my apartment. Not through lack of trying on my part, but she hasn't responded to my messages and she won't open the door to me. Even though I know she's in, I can feel her. It's like there's this connection between us, stupid right, how can we be connected, when she won't even see me. 

I guess I coulda just kicked the door off, but what would be the point, she's made it more than clear she want's no part of me. Heck she hasn't even been to work. OC's been ripping on me wanting to know what I did to her Boo, warning me to stay away. That's right, yep that's me Alec, 494 always the bad guy. No point defending myself.

What would I say, I did what Max asked me to, when she came to my apartment that night she asked me to hold her. Said she felt so alone, so I did. 

The next thing I know we were kissing, slow sweet sensual kisses, somehow I managed to pull away, don't ask me how. I think it was fear, I didn't want her to hate me in the morning or even worse hate herself, and if this was for real I needed to know that she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

Then she'd looked at me with those chocolate brown eyes, all defences gone & said she wanted me, Alec, no one else. The way she said my name, like I was someone important to her, how could I have refused her anything? Hell at that point I think I'd have done anything she'd asked me to.

Flashback To that Night "Carole King / Tapestry" 

_Tonight you're mine completely_

_You give your love so sweetly_

Tonight the look of love is in your eyes 

_But will you love me tomorrow_

_Is this a lasting treasure?_

_Or just a moments pleasure_

_Can I believe the magic of your sighs?_

_Will you still love me tomorrow?_

_Tonight with words unspoken_

_You say that I'm the only one_

_But will my heart be broken_

_When the night meets the morning sun_

_I'd like to know that your love_

_Is love I can be sure of?_

_So tell me now and I won't ask again_

_Will you still love me tomorrow?_

I come back to the present, wrapped in huge arms, squeezing me trying to comfort me, my cheeks are wet, stained with tears I didn't know I'd shed. I look up and smile at Joshua to let him know I'm ok, moving out of his embrace.

He gazes at me intently placing his large hands on my shoulders, "love sucks, huh". I can only nod in agreement unable to talk through the lump in my throat. 

Sometimes I feel he understands me better than I do myself. Which makes what I am about to do even harder. When did this huge half man half beast come to mean so much to me, to become a part of me, family?

Realisation has come to late, my actions that night have destroyed the only family I've ever had. I tell Josh goodbye, holding onto the last vestiges of my composure as he pleads with me not to go. Trying to convince him as much as myself that it's best for everybody that I do.

I make it out the door and into my ride, before breaking down, harsh sobs rack my body as it hits me that once again I've managed to screw everything up, managing to lose the only parts of my life that were good.

I have none

But myself

I am not enough

I can never be enough 

Without You

I am nothing 

************ I decided to use a song for the Flashback scene, as the words seemed so appropriate.

*********PLEASE REVIEW**********


	4. Max's Story

Summary: A moment of passion changes everything for Max and Alec.

Disclaimer: I own them in my dreams.

A/N: To those that reviewed the last 3 chapters **Thank You, you guys totally rock. You are my inspiration to continue this story. **

Without You, I Am Nothing 

Max's Story 

It's been four days since it happened and I'm about to leave my apartment for the first time. Last night OC told me Alec had gone, cleared out his locker and left, no looking back no goodbye just gone. Then she'd just stood there looking at me, waiting for me to break or something.

It's weird because when she told me I had the urge to laugh, but I didn't cause if I'd started I'm not sure I coulda stopped. In the end all I could manage to get out was, too bad guess that means I'll have to go to work tomorrow. 

She'd looked at me like I was crazy, and repeated what she'd just told me, like I didn't hear her the first time, what did she want from me. What? Tears? For me to fall on the ground in devastation, whatever, like I even care. She spent the rest of the night following me around the apartment, sneaking looks at me, telling me she'd be there when I was ready to deal. Deal with what?, hell I think she's the one that's crazy. 

I breeze into work, late as usual, no comment from Normal what's up with that? Offering a cheery hello to those I see on my way. The atmosphere is solemn, what the hell is wrong with everyone, anyone would think their best friend had just died.

Sketchy's all moping around making moon eyes at me and Normal well, he looks like he's about to kill himself. At least some goods come of it then.

OC approaches me, I feel her hand on my shoulder, "Boo you know you don't have to pretend with us, right." I shake her hand off; she's beginning to annoy me. "Look I don't know what your problem is, but get over it, Alec's gone big deal, its not like the world has suddenly come to an end."

Silence, I feel all eyes turn to me, the hostility coming from them is overwhelming, I search for a friendly face. Sketchy is looking at me in disgust, as is everyone else whose eyes I connect with. Finally I come back to OC; she's looking at me like I'm a stranger, like she doesn't know who I am. "Boo get over yourself."

That's it I've had enough of this shit, I storm from the room and jump on my baby, heading over to Joshua's, maybe there I'll find some peace.

I pull up in front of his house, before I can make it through the door Joshua grabs me. "Max, been waiting for you, Alec's gone". What is it with everyone so Alec's gone, so what. "Look Joshua I came here to chill".

Sighing I try to walk past him into the house, but he stops me. "Max goes after Alec now that's the plan". "No Joshua that's not the plan, Alec's a big boy he can look after himself". 

At this his expression changes to one of confusion, "Alec loves Max, Max loves Alec", he looks at me hope and expectation written all over his face.

I laugh love, yep the world had definitely gone crazy, I reach out and gently stroke the side of his face, time for another lesson in reality. "Me, Alec, love not in this lifetime, Alec's gone, simple as". His eyes hold mine, searching for the truth behind my words.

I stare back at him unabashed; the words I have spoken are the truth as I see it. 

I watch as his face crumples, his eyes filling with tears, his expression losing its innocent hope. He says nothing, I can see his faith in me is crushed and he is bewildered.

My heart aches for him, but I can't let him see that, he has to face reality & besides he'll get over it. I leave him there with his unshed tears and emotions, not even bothering to say goodbye.

Logan, Logan, I repeat his name over and over to myself like he's my salvation, he'll help me to make sense of this insanity, I smile pleased with myself, everything's gonna be ok. 

I find myself in his apartment, and watch as he turns towards me; the smile on his face is like nothing I've ever seen before. 

He studies me looking me up and down like he wants to devour me. "Max I've been waiting for you," I look at him in confusion. "It's ok I swung by Joshua's earlier and he told me Alec had skipped town, I guess you made your choice." Now he is grinning, his face taking on an ecstatic look. He winks at me; "how about I make us some pasta."

It's those words that do it, that finally break through the walls; I've so carefully constructed since I ran out on Alec. Denial is no longer an option. Alec…., I see his face, his beautiful eyes as the light went out of them, because of me, empty shells no longer full of life and intensity, dead eyes. Oh god I did that to him, why? Because I was scared, too much of a coward to love him back. Suddenly I am retching, I can't remember the last time I ate but I can't seem to stop. 

Maybe it's the poison that is me trying to escape, but it cannot, Renfro was right I am poison. It's all too much and I collapse on the floor whimpering, "please make it stop". The pain the guilt It's too much, "please make it stop." Alec……, I can't get away from the image of his face, confused, broken, empty, "no, please" a fresh wave of pain hits me, crippling in it's intensity and I scratch at the floor, trying to escape from it. 

But I cannot, it is everywhere, behind me, beside me, in front of me, everywhere surrounding me, consuming me, suffocating me, I am grasping for air, but there is none. 

In the midst of everything I can hear someone screaming in anguish, it sounds like their heart is being ripped from their chest. I cover my ears with my hands trying to block out the heart wrenching sound. "Alec……….. Please help me." As the room fades to black, I realise the screaming is coming from me. 

I am in pain 

I am pain

I am hurt 

I am hurting

Without you

I am nothing

******* Hope you enjoyed this chapter, not sure if it worked, let me know what you think. The thought behind this chapter is that people react differently to situations, and for some reason I could just see Max in denial. (Actually I thinks she's the queen of denial). Anyways I don't really know where this story is heading, it's like I get this idea for the next chapter out of the blue, hit the computer and type like a mad woman and then it's gone*****

PLEASE REVIEW 


	5. And So It Ends

Summary: A moment of passion changes everything for Max and Alec.

Disclaimer: I own them in my dreams.

A/N: To those that reviewed the last 4 chapters **Thank You**, you guys totally rock. You are my inspiration to complete this story. Anyway this is the final chapter, I can only hope I've done it justice. Please let me know what you think.

**Without You, I Am Nothing**

(Recap)

I am ignored

I am bypassed

I am overlooked

Without you

I am nothing

**_I am feared_**

**_I am scared_**

**_I am mocked_**

**_Without you_**

**_I am nothing_**

I have none

But myself

I am not enough

I can never be enough

Without you

I am nothing 

**_I am in pain_**

**_I am pain_**

**_I am hurt_**

**_I am hurting_**

**_Without you_**

**_I am nothing_**

I am despised

I am scorned

I am ridiculed

Without you

I am nothing

**_I am excluded_**

**_I am colourless_**

**_I am insipid_**

**_Without you_**

**_I am nothing_**

I have no love

I have no lover

Without you

I am nothing

**_I am here but I may as well not be_**

**_I am not seen _**

**_I am not heard_**

**_I am not liked_**

**_Without you_**

**_I am nothing_**

I am dying

I am death

I am dead

Without you 

I am Nothing

**_Alec's Story_**

I slam on the brakes & swing the car round heading back to Seattle, back to Max. 'Alec, please help me' I can hear the words as clearly as if Max was sitting in the car with me. I swing a quick glance to the right, seeing nothing. Am I loosing it? Is this how it started with Ben. 

Then I hear it again a plea straight from the heart so full of pain and urgency I almost gag. My heart pounds painfully in my chest & I tighten my grip on the steering wheel. I breathe deeply, trying to centre myself, trying to concentrate on the road ahead as I push the car to its limit. It groans in protest. 

After what seems like eternity I find myself on the outskirts of Seattle. Memories attack me, threatening to overwhelm me, 'last night was a mistake, it should never have happened', I'm sorry I let you out of Manticore, I'm sorry I inflicted you on the world'. 'I should have let your head explode when I had the chance'. 'I don't want to be like you'. 'You are Nothing 494, Nothing'. 

No, I punch the dashboard in frustration. I won't let them win not again, this time it's different before I wasn't strong enough; I didn't fight hard enough. I didn't understand.

This time I won't be led by my insecurities. This time I am the one in control for I've realised something, sure Max pushed me away, but that's not what made me leave. 

I wasn't running from Max, I was running away from my fears, the fear that I wasn't good enough, that I was unworthy of love, that I was Nothing. Stupid right no matter how hard you try you can't outrun yourself. I welcome all the feelings, embracing them with open arms, no more running it's time to face up & deal. 

**_Max's Story_**

I look down at the City beneath me, but I see nothing. The wind gusts violently around me but I can neither feel nor hear it. It's as if I've lost all physical sensation. 

My first thought when I awoke from the blackness was to go after him, but where would I start, the world's a big place. Instead I headed for something familiar, seeking comfort, which is why I'm here at the Needle. 

Waiting & hoping against all hope that if I sit here long enough Alec will come back to me. I don't know how long I've been here, but I'll wait for eternity if I have to. The thought of continuing with this travesty that I call a life without him does not bear thinking about. 

I wait on watching as the sky turns from inky blackness to smoky grey, clinging to my faith in Alec with every part of my being. Secure in the knowledge that he will come back to me.

&

Still I wait.

**_Alec's & Max's Story (Max's Story is in Bold Italics)_**

I see the Space Needle encroach on my line of vision and am out of the car & running towards it before the car comes to a stop.

I blur up the stairs, moving in the direction that my heart has led me, adrenaline pushing me on as I plunge through the doorway. My body shaking with terror & then I see her.

Crouched down hanging over the edge of the needle her posture defeated and weary. 

Time stops, no sound, no movement, silence, it's like a time warp after my frantic movements of only moments before.

I hold my breath as she raises her head, her eyes locking with mine. The next move is hers.

**_I sense him before I see him, I turn so swiftly I almost loose my balance, and then our eyes meet, time stands still as I search his eyes. _**

I hold her gaze as her eyes search mine, boring into her leaving her no place to hide. I watch as her mouth opens she is trying to form words, but no sound comes out. 

**_I cannot speak what would I say, how could I even begin to explain away the pain I have caused him. I have no excuses to offer, there's been far to many of those already. _**

**_In 2 strides I break the distance between us & throw myself into his arms. Automatically his arms reach out wrapping around me. The contact with his warm solid flesh is indescribable & releases the tears that I have been fighting so hard to hold back. _**

**_He leans down & catches my tears with his lips, the action so gentle it makes me cry even harder. _**

Her fragile body trembles in my arms, acting on instinct I reach for her hand and gently place it against my heart, all the while holding her eyes with mine.

**_I feel his heart beating as I read his eyes, without loosing that contact I take his free hand and place it against my heart. Time is suspended as our hearts beat in unison & we communicate in a language older, stronger more powerful than words. _**

& Then

Our lips meet in the sweetest of all kisses, a kiss that goes on and on until I cannot tell where I end and she begins. It as it should be, finally we are as one.

The End

**************PLEASE REVIEW***************


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